I met many women in my grandmother’s generation who never remarried after losing their husbands. When asked whether they’d ever consider a second husband they would dismiss the possibility out of hand by saying, “Why would I want to pick up after another man? Once was enough.” They viewed their role in a traditional marriage as one of servitude. Some considered men as nothing more than a necessary evil.
Unattached women in my mother’s generation had a different complaint. The men whom they dated didn’t take them all that seriously, still thought of them as sexual playthings who occasionally had something worthwhile to say. And while married men did do some chores around the house, they still expected their mates to do the majority of the cooking and cleaning.
I’ve never gotten a clear view about what the women in my generation expect from men because my life has gone against the grain. My wife earned a PhD in biology, and I an M.F.A. in painting. I always worked part and full time jobs to contribute to the household income, but we both knew from the start that she had a much better chance of earning enough to support a family. I stayed home with our two children when they were little and worked part time as an art instructor. I did the majority of the weekly cooking and cleaning as well as some of the yard work. I changed and washed diapers endlessly, gave bottles, played games with the kids and read them books.
My wife and I fought from time to time about the division of labor when the kids were young. She didn’t always realize how difficult it was to get anything done with a baby in hand and a toddler tugging at my pants leg. And I didn’t fully understand how exhausted she was when she came home from work. But for the most part we appreciated what each contributed to keeping our family’s ship afloat. And we took on roles that suited our talents and didn’t worry about traditional preconceptions about what men and women ought to do.
Sometimes we encountered odd reactions from strangers when they discovered our arrangement. Men often seemed aghast and somewhat afraid that my condition was catching. A few women expressed their doubt that men were competent to take care of children. On a couple occasions when I was dealing with a kid’s public tantrum an old lady sidled up to me with a mean glint in her eyes and asked, “How’s the babysitting going?” I had an answer ready: I told them that I was my children’s father and therefore wasn’t a babysitter. That response always shut them up and made them go away.
My daughter’s expectations about gender roles may have been confused by the way my wife and I mixed and shared our duties. She was given odd looks in grade school once when she explained that “Daddies stay home and mommies go to work.” When she became a young adult I asked her what she was looking for in a man. She said that she’d liked to find a guy who would cook and clean while she went to work. She has since realized that such men are rare and has revised her expectations.
I still get occasional flak from women in my generation who assume that I’m just another one of those bastards who exploit their wives. It takes time for them to adjust their opinion of me after they find out what I’ve done to raise children, to offer care giving and to support my wife’s career. They can’t quite fit me into their preconceptions about men, and sometimes revert to their original hostility. I’m guilty until proven innocent many, many times.
I understand that women have built up millenniums worth of resentment toward male oppression, that men have earned their scorn and still add to the shameful record of abuse. But I’m not willing to apologize for my existence as a man. I can’t undo the damage that some men have done, and I’m not volunteering to be made a scapegoat. I think that in the rush to respond to male misbehavior some women forget that neither gender, as a whole, is a consistent example of shiny virtue.
I often hear women complain that men are morons who just let their dicks lead them around, that they’re babies who want their wives to be their mothers, that they’re emotionally stunted and uncommunicative. Men complain that women are changeable, irrational and overly emotional. And they report that their wives and girlfriends expect them to be mind readers and get angry with them when they don’t meet unstated expectations. When women are called out on this trait they often reply, “But you would have known that (done that) if you really loved me.”
My take on this is that anatomy and hormones drive both sexes’ behavior to a certain extent. Acculturation is another obvious factor. Members of both genders have to make an effort to overcome hard wired behavior patterns when they lead to affliction.
In the end it’s difficult for every person to make his or her way through life regardless of gender. Everybody has to pay many tolls as they journey from birth to death. Maybe that shared struggle, that common denominator, could be the starting point for a rapprochement between men and women. We are all, by definition, human.