A student in a Valencia class had a strong tendency to obsess over details while losing track of a drawing’s over all structure. Individual bits looked great, but they didn’t coalesce into a unified whole. One day, she worked madly on a drawing near the end of class. She realized that time had run short, that it would be difficult to finish. I told her that she’d gotten sidetracked once again on minutia and suggested that she address compositional issues instead. She fumed and said, “I did it again! Why do I always do the same thing?” She looked frustrated enough to punch herself in the face.
I paused to let her cool down then said, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You produce beautiful drawings. You just have this tendency to get stuck in detail. If you’re aware of it, you can work around it…Beating yourself up doesn’t help.”
She studied me carefully to see whether I meant what I said. Then she relaxed and went back to work. She didn’t finish the drawing but drew calmly till the end of class.
I’ve been in her position and still lapse into harsh self-criticism when I fail. I know from experience that self-inflicted wounds make matters worse. When my inner drill sergeant starts delivering angry reprimands to me, progress becomes impossible.
My granddaughter Ava has just turned one. I watch her learn more about walking, talking and interacting with others each day. She falls frequently. She says a few words at appropriate moments but mostly jibber-jabbers. She looks at me sometimes with total incomprehension when I try to play games with her but remembers more and more how to participate. She gets frustrated ever so often but mostly seems to enjoy building new skills and discovering new things. She’s not aware that critical self-judgment exists.
I’m not a free spirit like Ava. My conditioning made harsh self-criticism an act of piety. Taking stock does give me a realistic appraisal of my current state. But drifting into self-loathing skews my viewpoint and prevents me from learning from mistakes. (How can a “total idiot” learn anything?)
I am a work in progress dealing with a constantly shifting world. I have tendencies both helpful and destructive. If I remain aware of them, I can work with and around them. And when frustration builds, I’ll try to remember that self-hatred hasn’t ever made me a better person. And I’ll refrain from punching myself in the face.
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