(AMA definition: a condition in which a college instructor experiences heart palpitations, spiked blood pressure, reddening of the face, sputtering, and a deepening sense of futility. Severe cases developing from prolonged exposure to indifferent students may result in sudden head explosion syndrome.)
Case Studies
Robin Ross, mother of three, devoted English instructor, began to sputter incoherently during class. Students could not specify a cause for the sudden development of speech paralysis, but one volunteered the following: “Professor Ross was droning on about grammar or something, and Natalie’s phone buzzed. Nat took the call, and the prof said, ‘Put that away!” Nat said, ‘But it’s my mother,” and Ross’s face turned red, her eyes bugged, and then she started to talk in this garbled way. We didn’t call an ambulance right away because Natalie’s mother (she’s a nurse) told us that the professor was getting mad over nothing and she’d get over it soon.”
Rupert Brinkley, drawing instructor, suddenly began to strike a table with his forehead after an interaction with a student named Colin. Colin: “I want to ask about my midterm grade. What are these zeros on the grade sheet?” Rupert: “Those are drawings missing from your midterm portfolio. After the zeros are dates and titles of assignments. You can make them up if you turn them in by Monday.” Colin: “But I was a late enrollee. The first two zeros are on dates before I started class.” Rupert: “You’re still responsible for them.” Colin: “Well, I did them!” Rupert: “No you didn’t.” Colin: “But I did!” Rupert: “You just told me that you didn’t do them because you hadn’t been in class on those days.” Colin: “I wasn’t in class on those days and I shouldn’t have to do them!” Rupert: “So, you didn’t do them.” Colin: “No, I did them!” Rupert: “But they weren’t in your portfolio. I can’t grade drawings I can’t see.” Colin: “You must have missed them.” Rupert: “I went through the drawings twice. I didn’t miss them.” Colin: “Then you lost them.” Rupert: “I lost the drawings you didn’t do because you’re a late enrollee?” Colin: “You’re just trying to confuse me!”
Dr. Jackie Doherty, a calculus instructor, entered a Zen Buddhist monastery after suffering a break down at the end of a semester. A male student had continually questioned her knowledge during class and challenged the grades given to him on exams. He cornered her in an empty classroom and demanded a passing grade after failing the final exam. Dr. Doherty refused, and the student leered at her and said, “You’re just doing this because you like this thing we have between us.” “Thing? What thing?” Doherty exclaimed. “You know,” said the student. “Don’t be such a tease.”
Professor Ralph Givens quit teaching and entered therapy for depression after an encounter with a student during a perspective drawing class. Ralph: “These parallel lines are moving away from your position. They appear to converge to a point on the horizon if extended into the distance.” Student: “I thought that they converge as they come toward me.” Ralph: “Then things would get smaller as they approach you and bigger as they recede?” Student: “Recede?” Ralph: “Move away from you.” Student: “Why didn’t you just say that?” Ralph: “I’m just trying to explain. There’s no need to get angry.” Student: “Don’t tell me not to get angry. I’ll get angry when I want to!” Ralph: “Draw those boxes any way you like then, but I own the grade book.” Student: “You’re going to force me to draw things I don’t see? You’re threatening to give me a bad grade if I draw what’s right for me?!” Ralph: “I’m just trying to warn you that I’m going to grade your drawings according to accepted rules of perspective.” Student: “You’re killing my creativity!”
dennisnarratives 